This Is Me

I want to plant my garden- today

I want to paint right now

I want to write a book

Hug my children and play mashed potatoes 

Take portraits of every person I see

I want to know them in a unique and interesting way

I want to howl at the moon

I want to see every star in the sky and name them as i seen them 

I want to dance- learn to tango and cha cha

Do pirouettes until I'm so dizzy I fall down laughing 

I don't need to feel understood 

I just want to feel and be felt

I want a four leaf clover to give to the fairy that flutters above my shoulder whispering in my ear that I'm perfect just the way I am

I want to let it all go 

I want to live and let live

I want to love and be loved

No judgement necessary 

I am me

I love me  I love you

I want you to be happy

Freedom to express feelings and joys and doubts

I want to color my hair blue 

I want to talk to the knomes 

The trolls

The birds and bees

I am me and I love me

I love you

I want to ride unicorns

Ride a Pegasus 

Talk to God

Today I want to make it happen

And I might just do it 

This is me

This is who I am. This tree. This amazing tree is 1,990 years old. I am the flowers, limbs, roots. And so are you. 

Pointless Regrets

Why regret what you have done…needed…wanted? 
There is no point, we will always do things, experience times of ecstasy, and want things we know is not what’s best for us. I regret nothing. Riding my rollercoaster, I've learned from my mistakes and look forward to the many more that I will inevitably make. Each day is a learning experience, and I welcome it. I yearn for knowledge. My friend tells me my crystal ball is broken...so I have tossed it. No more guessing and assuming the worst. (If you know me very well...you know this is close to impossible. But I'm trying. I'm writing it out loud.) I live and love and have the best of what I want. No more. No less. I have ups and downs. I welcome truths and forgo lies. Not tolerated on this journey.  I live to love. You, me, life, and the after. Enjoy every minute of every single experience. And do not live in regret. It’s pointless. Enjoying yourself as the person you are is the most important thing. Release yourself from bonds of regret. Just ride. Love yourself…love life. Live. Love, be happy and for the love of the universe find your inner peace. It's right here. The stars, sun, moon- we are the earth. We must keep it a peaceful place for all that is and will be. 

The point of life. The point of
 Love. Me.

Yes. Something's are too petty to worry with. But never ignore your gut feelings. We are the light. We are the earth. We are perfect...ups and downs and all arounds. Smiles. ✖️

"What is done cannot be undone"

  

I have made more mistakes than I can count or remember. The hard part of this is that those I've hurt...remember all too well. 

I have been hurt more times than I care to discuss and the fact is 

"What is done cannot be undone"~Lady Macbeth

I've hurt people in large and small ways. And most of the time I've been forgiven.

 I was hurt once by someone I care deeply for. Why can't I forgive this person? Let it go? Before it even happened I begged her/him not to do it. I warned it would ruin our friendship. I asked nicely. I demanded. I cried. And they chose to take the path of no return. I suppose a better person would move on. Forgive and forget anyway. I was told I could choose my forgiveness and that under no uncertain terms were they going to not do what I asked, and they selfishly did it anyway. And I've selfishly stuck to my guns. I cannot forgive them. I've tried for a long time now. It's just something I will never get over. It's ruined a very special friendship. (We are still friends, but it's always in the back of my mind. Sometimes spewing out of my mouth like a piece of bad sushi.) I'm mocked and harassed by the fact that I won't let it go, yet here I am ...refusing. 

I have an inner peace about this. I wasn't important enough to stop the action and in the process lost a part of me. But I didn't lose my integrity. If I know you are doing something wrong. I'm not going to back down. If I know you are a better person than the actions your about to take I will not condone it or validate it with forgiveness. Especially when you show no remorse. I hold myself to a higher standard. And I hold you to a higher standard. I miss this person and have since that unfortunate day, though I see them frequently. 

Something everyone should think about. Keep a Peaceful heart. I'm not preaching. It's something I am working on. 

"Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Some times they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. 

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the extreme example of self-will run riot, though we usually don't think so. Above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it

kills us! Inner peace and awareness based on others feelings rather than our own makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without Spiritual guidance."

from the book Al-Anon, page 62

We are both selfish. We both cared about our own needs first. I will try not to do this again, but I cannot change my mind. 

I am not perfect. Today I will

Take actions that make others happy and that in turn will bring me happiness. 

This is for all of you. This is me baring my soul. I cannot pretend that my life and choices are perfect. It's okay to be angry. And one day I'll forgive and put it all behind me. It's been six months now. I will continue to pray for strength to forgive. But I will Repeat Lady Macbeth's quote, "What is done cannot be undone". So be it. 

I Hope You all Have a good day and forgiving heart. 

And wish the same for myself. 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."~Joseph Campbell 

Let your light shine!

Forty-one and Fabulous

So...I'm forty-one and fabulous. Things are going well. I really have had some

Inner struggles the past few months, and taken them out on my closest friends. I have prayed and meditated. Walked and talked (mostly to myself). But I have decided To let go of many of my worries and just take care of myself and my kids. Not worrying about boyfriends or or anything distracting. Looking at school and different arts. Finding books and options for bettering my life. Making positive moves for the next chapter. 

The only reason I am writing about this in my blog...which I'll be trying to keep updated more frequently, is that I received a text from my exhusbands girlfriend, without his knowledge, calling me an old hag that needs to wear caked up makeup to cover my old hag face...and. Yes, my first reaction was to retaliate, but then thought better of it, and started realizing how hard it must be to date a man that's been married and has three children. There would be some lashing out and a touch of jealousy. So I started reevaluating my life from the inside out. I am happy and at peace. Let go of the marriage long ago and love my three children more Than anything. I walk A LOT and feel like I'm in pretty good shape and every wrinkle has a story. Some of the happiest I could ever imagine. So all you ex wives having to deal with ex's younger girlfriends...let it go. It's not our problem anymore. 

I love being forty-one. I feel an inner peace. I don't have to prove anything to anyone and I feel an outward peace wrinkles and all. No makeup required...peace love and happiness. Make the best of the rest and live like you are the star of your own musical. Life is good. This is me... Wrinkles and all!

Queen Bee

Today is my day! I live to love and love to live. My gift to you is the knowledge that you can live and love without compromising yourself. I deserve the best. I am it. Or I am out. And if I’m out…good for me. It’s time in my life to find the man that will love me, and be my companion in old age …to experience hikes and bikes. Kids and laughter. Not bars and boys and girls that have no idea what they are doing. That was in my twenties. I’m in my forties, working the the work that makes me happy and looking forward to long walks, jogs, the river, and traveling and reading to each other the best books we can find. Putting each other’s needs and desires before our own. I am this person and will be with the person that reciprocates. Good luck to you forty-fifty-sixty somethings that are looking for that partner, companion. Truly intimate lover that has matured enough to know what life is and what it is about. Love, honesty, understanding and each other. If you can’t check all the boxes…then pack your boxes. Cause this wanderer wants a partner to cherish each and every moment. Pictures covering walls. Postcards, panties hanging from chandeliers…laughter filling the air and never a worry in my mind that I haven’t made the right choice. A security that I have never felt to fit right along with this inner peace and happiness. 
It’s a beautiful life. And I intend to enjoy every minute of it. 
Happy spring my friends! What beauty in the tiny buds on the trees. Dogwoods about to bloom. Apple blossoms jasmine. Rosemary and lavender. Sage and thyme. And speaking of happiness love and companionship … Truth, happiness and true commitment…the birds and bees are out making nests and sweet love. Oh to see the tiny nest of an English sparrow that can hold at least six tiny eggs. The bee gathering the the nectar for his queen. What we all should be doing and getting great reward in return. Love is in the air. The maypole dance will be coming up. Oh, my white dress and colorful ribbon. My love let me give you my ribbon as a gift before returning home where we belong.
If your worried about your partner ask questions. Not much

time left to be happy. For me. It’s starting today. Love those babies. Big and small. And Never compromise your integrity. Love comes in many forms. But only you know the true love you are craving. Never settle. There will always be be someone that will love you and treat you like a queen bee. Happy days. I love you all.

Magnolia made a chalk drawing of flowers soon to bloom. 

First day with a tank top. Hello sunshine!