But I'll tell you this to keep it all real.
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
"The first casualty of war is the truth"-uk
So I've done it again. Years of holding my head up and facing the world. Prayer and a real hand to hold. Not the fake marriage hand hold. Then...
Last quote with text from elephant journal
RELAPSE in an unlucky time and place. It didn't even cross my mind that's what was happening. Rough year. Really rough. In my mind...compared to others it could be called a down time with no direction.
Prayer wasn't working. My prescribed medications weren't working. So I got some anxiety medicine from a friend at a gas station where some undercover cops were doing a prostitution sting. Oh my! Gun pulled scared to death and had no idea why. I hadn't done this in a VERY long time. I mean nothing comes before my children...until February 12. Then my depression came first. All I cared about was getting those pills to make me forget for a few days.
Man have I paid for it. As I should. I take full responsibility for my actions. I got tossed in jail, pumped up cops that "have to pull the Mel Gibson on your ass" don't care that your ex boyfriend died a month before, you got laid off a week before, that your car is at a hatchet shop recommended by a "friend" who stole your money and your plates, and your three kids might be a little heavy at the moment. Or that your ex husband is truly no help in any situation that will interfere with his "social" life. They just know a white woman was talking to a black man and that for some reason seemed odd to them. (Sound a bit prejudice?) but hey do the crime pay the the fine, or in my case a short time.
So now the depression is quadrupled. My kids are scared to be with me. My ex is giving the lecture a normal hypicrit would, and I still don't have my -get me away from all this bs -pills.
A lose lose lose.
Know, the only thing that matters in ANY of this is I'm temporarily losing my every other week joint custody to the man who I don't even know where they stay when in his custody. Gratefully I see them whenever I ask. Thank God. BUT, I made a major fuck up. So much for the progress made over the past two years. No kids. Three court dates and fines out the ass. And yes all while unemployed. Being a recovering, no not recovered a trying hard, really wanting it recovering drug addict. I want to put blame everywhere. But when I looked in the mirror, at my kids, at my parents, at my new boyfriend whom I'v grown very fond of I have no one to blame but my self.
So I realize all my actions have consequences. I hurt relationships of my children and their friends bc of how the parents see me. How horrible is that. Fuck Me! I am a great mom and friend and girlfriend and citizen, why does my brain make these horrible decisions. I pray. I'm in touch with my god. I pray all the time. A constant. All I can think is that my selfrightious attitude gets in the way if I am not working on whose in charge of my will at all times. I can think and pray god is in charge but at times like these obviously I have tossed that aside and made an unconscious decision to do what I want and do not even think about consequences. I mean consequences??? What are those?
Oh, yeah!! Everything that I am experiencing right now. Hurt kids, friends, parents, pocketbooks, my relationship with god. Anyway...my dad said to me, 40 year old me, "maybe this time you've learned your lesson. I am going to have to give up, your killing me". The blood in my veins is this mans. I'm killing him. I'm killing an incredible life that I have been blessed with, thanks to my parents, and I'm killing them.
Take a bite of that and swallow it.
I am vowing to my parents, children, god, friends and to MYSELF this is it. I have three court dates in the next three weeks and I am giving all my worries and fears and perscriptions to god. It's over. It's a new day. I am a new person. And it only took someone that at the same time is old and new to me to open my eyes. To care without judging. To love without condition. To make me want to be better for myself, my kids and my family, For him whether we last as a coulple or as great friends. I've wanted this forever but never had the unconditional closeness I feel I need, I know I want, to keep my eyes open. Sometimes it just takes sincerity. This is my story of the past several months. For all of you asking questions that are concerned or just like watching a woman in a painful place fail.
It's the last time. And I've never said it or written it out loud. Like I always say make it happen. Well it's my turn. Unconditional love to all.
