Today

"She wasn't doing anything I could see except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing holding the universe together." ~J, D. Salinger


The traditional meaning of the owl spiritual animal is the announcer of death, symbolic of transition or change in ones life.

What a fascinating thought. The death of your old life and the beginning of a new one. Letting go of old grudges and resentments. Filling Oneself with a peace. Mindfulness of your inner core. Knowing that you are the earth. The green luscious  grass, the tall swaying wheat, the tree with its roots and limbs, like arms reaching towards the sun. Have you ever noticed all these natural gifts are reaching for the sun.

I am reaching for the sun as natural as anything Mother Nature has given this planet.
I have an innate sense of being. Feeling things others feel. Hurting when others hurt. Happy for the joys that are all around us. When I have been hiking this past year I have noticed that life is everywhere. Not just in my backyard. In my bed. In my mind.

I am wild, a wanderer that needs to be free and share my feelings and have them heard. I will listen to yours, in the wind and rainfall and the music that lights my fire.
I will not let go or surrender the feeling I have that we all know we can do and be better people. I hold onto words like precious jewels a friend once told me. I accept accountability and feel that if I do not hold others to certain standards I feel they know are wrong that I am not living to my potential. And I want you to hold me to certain ideals as well.  That does not mean I love you any less. It means I love you unconditionally and want the best for you.

Wild, on fire, mindful, aware, strong, scared, peace fills my heart. I mean, it has to. I have so much to let go and give away. I also have so much to give in the way of peace and strength.
Take your days one day at a time. It's hard. Don't forget the past, but learn from it. Think of the future, but don't worry about it. Everything you and I need is right here. Just like the Owls and Wolves. We survive because it's our only option. And what sweet surrender to understand this. Be the Earth. Look to the sun. Look to your God. And share your goodness with others. That's the best thing we can do as creatures of this Earth. And also of this amazing time. Enjoy your new year and make it count for something. Most of all love. Love yourself. Love your life, time and friends. Apologize even if you don't think your wrong...Just to maintain peace. Keep it simple and avoid the drama some try to throw at you. Live, love and dream of a better world. And relish in your wild heart. Keep it whole. Like a puzzle the pieces will come together. Keep it real. And never be afraid of your feelings and making them known. We are not mind readers. Intuition is different than mind reading. Trust your gut feelings. And make every minute count my friends, that's what will make you happy and aware. Look at the wild flower on the side of the road...that's me. That flower is you. The clouds, stars, rivers they are you and me. I will enjoy them. Be them. Love myself and love you. Wild and free. Like the wind. Peaceful as a calm breeze. Love love love.

The beauty in today

I have ups and downs. I have good days and bad days. The moments between the pics I post aren't always unicorns and rainbows. 

We see so many posts of happy people sharing their good times and accomplishments. But we are all human and face it...life sucks sometimes. It's part of life. We learn from it. It makes us stronger. So, as much as I like to hear about all the happiness in everyone's life...I know that it's only a small percentage of the real life we all experience. And that's okay. 

I am learning to live for today. The everyday is good. The now is what we should focus on. Remember the past. Look forward to the future and live in the now. What a beautiful way to live. Each minute we have a choice to be happy or mad, angry, sad, joyful, playful. To love. That's what's important. Love yourself. Every minute. Life goes on even when we don't get our way. If our plans go awry...make new ones. Celebrate the idea of spontaneity. And cherish every moment. Don't hurt others. Sometimes this is easy, a friend asks you to do or not to do something specific that will hurt them. You have the choice to decide what's import. I have dealt with this recently...maybe that's why I am posting this.  Love yourself and hurting others won't be an option. That doesn't mean do what you want...it means love yourself enough to know how your actions are going to affect others. Then when you are doing this you'll not ever feel regret for a selfish act. Or have to deal with someone that you care about that is hurting because of the the selfish act. You'll feel a contentment in your heart...a peace you created for and with those you love and those that love you. 

I chose to be happy today. Tomorrow I hope I choose to do the same, but for now...I hope my actions and love bring peace to you my friends. Peace in the moonlight. 

The Battle of Survival is too Much For Me

The battle of survival is too much for me. 

I choose to cease existing. I’m not fighting the fight anymore. 

I'll do my best to make life work for me, but I will not fight for it. I give up. Let the chips fall, and pray God takes me by the hand and leads me in the direction I’m supposed to go. 

This is me giving it away. Giving it to a higher power and doing what I’m told. Caring is beyond anything I could possibly do anymore. 

The hurt is waves crashing against me pulling me beneath the water and I don’t have the ability to swim. I’m tired.

Heartbreak at the River

I have feelings that I cannot control 

I have love that is lost to me

I hurt one hundred percent of the time

I ache where there is nowhere to ache

I Love when I know I won't be loved back 

I Believe when I know it's a lie

I know things when they happen without being told

My heart aches

I wish it would not fold like when a supernova turns into a black hole

I trust the untrustable

Love the unloveable 

Dream the undreamable

Wish the unthinkable

I see falling stars and the dark-side of the moon rainbows and fairies and stardust

But in my soul I have a deep dark lust to be normal like everyone else

Not to feel so deep into my subconscious self

I am so hurt 

My heat has been broken...shattered glass

A thousand small seeds that will hopefully grow into wild flowers instead of unbearable weeds

Friendship is hot and cold 

I have third degree burns

And I'm frozen in a death hold

I am shaking from anger and I feel I could be in danger from this magnificent ache and will live forever with this enormous heartbreak 

I walk outside and feel the heat which feels cool compared to the heat radiating from inside

My heart Is a millennium away 

My mind just as far- the sadness comes from- well, you know who you are 

I cannot go further though I must 

The river that I loved so much - I want to put rocks where they don't belong

Oh how I want that soul to hold on and not let this be my one last song

I am not depressed I just have feelings that I cannot suppress

It's a scary and sad feeling to know I'll not know how long I'll be reeling. 

Take me to the river take me the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river

Please just take me to the river one last time so I can put an end to this miserable rhyme. 

Sadness Isn't Contagious

I have been sad for the past few weeks. I would call it depression, but sad is more curious. Easier to explain. I have been so sad that I thought It may be contagious. My friend sat on the couch and watched me sleep night after night. He didn’t catch it. Another friend spent days with me and I laughed and cried and worried, but he didn’t catch it. I realize now it isn’t contagious. It’s only me. My feelings and you who were with me saved me. And cared and didn’t try to make me feel better. You just let me be. So, sadness is real. It’s a freedom we have to feel a certain way at a certain time. I love to have the ability to feel…sad. It’s okay. I will recover. And no one has to make me snap out of it. Just letting me be. Just being there with me. Freedom is ours. Feelings are ours for the taking. We can’t always choose to be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. Today I am happy. Tomorrow who knows. What I do know is that it’s all good. Happy, sad, excited or mad. Just be you at that time and place. The world will still revolve and our moods will resolve.

Should've left something to the Imagination II...

I'm forty. 

I've had more mistakes than positive moments in my adult life. 

I'm a divorcè with three children. 11, 9 and 3 1/2. 

There isn't one thing I love more in this world than those three souls. 

I'm in love with a man that will never love me back. 

This man consumes my days, we spend all day together on the days that I do not work

We have more in common than any other person in my life

I'm in love with a neurotic ass that is pretty decent most of the time. As long as I act right. He loves me and we've been together for close to a year. 

I am lucky 

I am blessed

I am grateful for all the blessings I've been granted

I am a true believer

I am strong in my faith

I like a slightly older man that treats me like a queen and I think of him often, though not as much as the man that will never love me. 

I'm neurotic, but in a loving obsessive completely unconditional sort of way. 

I am jealous of time. 

I am not jealous of other women or their looks but the time given them when I want it. 

I am filled with empathy. 

I'm a realist. 

I do not understand myself. 

I am borderline bipolar. 

I am mostly manic and anxious. 

When I am depressed though it lasts for weeks. Months sometimes. I cry and lose my sense of reality and the swirling in my brain is dizzying. 

I have an above average IQ. I have no idea how I want to use it. 

I have been arrested more times than I can remember. 

I am a felon. 

I could never hurt someone physically unless they were going to hurt my children or in self defense. 

I can kill someone with my sharp biting words when I'm angry. 

I will forget about it the next day, though most of the people I've abused this way cannot. 

I want to be taken care of emotionally and mentally and physically. 

I want to be taken care of financially. 

I want to love someone that returns the love unconditionally.  

I see a therapist. 

I love sex. 

I love love. 

I need love. 

This is just another list of me...

This is just some of me. 

Friends and Lovers (Trying To Keep It Real)

So, a few months ago I got a message on Facebook asking if I needed help in a certain situation. I said yes, and agreed to meet him for coffee and discuss the issue. From that day on he was someone that I talked to. About everything. Friends. Hiking, swimming, fishing, hundreds of pictures of each other and together. Eventually as we learned each other we became inseparable. I told this person things I told no one else. I was completely myself. For the first time in years I had someone that I felt I was connected to heart and soul.   We are both in relationships. Not pushing the boudries of friendship. Then we started pushing those boundries. "You make me happy." "I wish I was there" "I wish you were here". But the core was a true connection of common interests and ideas. 

I thought. 

Last week he said you are so beautiful. He's told me many times. I have told him the same thing. But the next day no text. No phone call. Nothing. I have realized there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I can't make anyone want to be my friend, confidant, love. When that person is ready to walk away, he or she is ready. My only regret in our short infinity of perfect togetherness is I got no closure.
I sent messages. Crazy, neurotic messages. I was in a low, very extreme manic low. I wasn't mean, I sent pictures, quotes, songs. I was nuts. I couldn't believe my happiness had been stripped from me in a single 12 hours. One extreme to another. In the meantime, my boyfriend and I were going through issues. He's been very supportive. I've removed myself from the situation and letting my soul walk away. Ill be fine. But in learning to let go I have been so crazed. I hope one day he will come back and give me the closure I so desperately need. But in the meantime I'm going to build a stronger base with my boyfriend. We agreed to drop all walls that were stopping us from fully understandimg each other. I love him. I love my soul that walked away without looking back. How do you ever find that easy true connection again? 

I read this the other day...I had no boundries with my soul. 

I would still welcome him back in my life with no questions, if he chose to do so. I do not see that happening. So I'm going with this little tidbit of advice I read...

It is important to have boundaries and to not reveal more or do more than you are completely comfortable with. With that in mind, opening up and getting to know someone does take a certain amount of patience. Assess each new partner as an individual, and stay keenly connected with how you experience yourself while in his or her presence. You need someone with whom you can reveal your authentic self, not just a piece of you—and you are the only one who can bring that full you to the table.

Another piece I read...

CAN YOU FEEL THE LIGHT IN THIS VERY MOMENT?

Life.

It amazes me. Every day. With it’s highs and lows, ups and downs… It’s amazing.

Can you feel it? Or is your mind somewhere else?

As you read this, wherever you are; take a moment to stop. Close your eyes.

Breathe.

Feel the beating of your heart. The sounds of your surroundings. The earth beneath your feet.

Connect to this very moment.

Open your eyes. Know that wherever you are, whatever your life situation, there is one fundamental fact that will never escape you: you are here. Right now. Connecting to the present moment is the simplest way to recognize the beauty of being.

In our busy lives, it’s also the easiest to forget. So remember. And give a silent thank you to everything that is. You are alive! That alone is a miracle.

Find your glimpses of enlightenment, and cherish them.

Whatever you are holding on to… If it’s holding you back—let it go. If it’s no longer serving you—let it go.

If it doesn’t make you happy—let. it. go.

Life is meant to be lived light, with light, from light, through light. Don’t let your past weigh you down.

There is no limit to what you can manifest in your life when you let go of fear.

Don’t let fear guide you. See only love. Move where love wants you to move.

Let love lead the way.