Friends and Lovers (Trying To Keep It Real)

So, a few months ago I got a message on Facebook asking if I needed help in a certain situation. I said yes, and agreed to meet him for coffee and discuss the issue. From that day on he was someone that I talked to. About everything. Friends. Hiking, swimming, fishing, hundreds of pictures of each other and together. Eventually as we learned each other we became inseparable. I told this person things I told no one else. I was completely myself. For the first time in years I had someone that I felt I was connected to heart and soul.   We are both in relationships. Not pushing the boudries of friendship. Then we started pushing those boundries. "You make me happy." "I wish I was there" "I wish you were here". But the core was a true connection of common interests and ideas. 

I thought. 

Last week he said you are so beautiful. He's told me many times. I have told him the same thing. But the next day no text. No phone call. Nothing. I have realized there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I can't make anyone want to be my friend, confidant, love. When that person is ready to walk away, he or she is ready. My only regret in our short infinity of perfect togetherness is I got no closure.
I sent messages. Crazy, neurotic messages. I was in a low, very extreme manic low. I wasn't mean, I sent pictures, quotes, songs. I was nuts. I couldn't believe my happiness had been stripped from me in a single 12 hours. One extreme to another. In the meantime, my boyfriend and I were going through issues. He's been very supportive. I've removed myself from the situation and letting my soul walk away. Ill be fine. But in learning to let go I have been so crazed. I hope one day he will come back and give me the closure I so desperately need. But in the meantime I'm going to build a stronger base with my boyfriend. We agreed to drop all walls that were stopping us from fully understandimg each other. I love him. I love my soul that walked away without looking back. How do you ever find that easy true connection again? 

I read this the other day...I had no boundries with my soul. 

I would still welcome him back in my life with no questions, if he chose to do so. I do not see that happening. So I'm going with this little tidbit of advice I read...

It is important to have boundaries and to not reveal more or do more than you are completely comfortable with. With that in mind, opening up and getting to know someone does take a certain amount of patience. Assess each new partner as an individual, and stay keenly connected with how you experience yourself while in his or her presence. You need someone with whom you can reveal your authentic self, not just a piece of you—and you are the only one who can bring that full you to the table.

Another piece I read...

CAN YOU FEEL THE LIGHT IN THIS VERY MOMENT?

Life.

It amazes me. Every day. With it’s highs and lows, ups and downs… It’s amazing.

Can you feel it? Or is your mind somewhere else?

As you read this, wherever you are; take a moment to stop. Close your eyes.

Breathe.

Feel the beating of your heart. The sounds of your surroundings. The earth beneath your feet.

Connect to this very moment.

Open your eyes. Know that wherever you are, whatever your life situation, there is one fundamental fact that will never escape you: you are here. Right now. Connecting to the present moment is the simplest way to recognize the beauty of being.

In our busy lives, it’s also the easiest to forget. So remember. And give a silent thank you to everything that is. You are alive! That alone is a miracle.

Find your glimpses of enlightenment, and cherish them.

Whatever you are holding on to… If it’s holding you back—let it go. If it’s no longer serving you—let it go.

If it doesn’t make you happy—let. it. go.

Life is meant to be lived light, with light, from light, through light. Don’t let your past weigh you down.

There is no limit to what you can manifest in your life when you let go of fear.

Don’t let fear guide you. See only love. Move where love wants you to move.

Let love lead the way.

Write It Out Loud

To start I have a gratitude list that is so long it would be another post. 

But I'll tell you this to keep it all real. 

"We have met the enemy and he is us"

"The first casualty of war is the truth"-uk

So I've done it again. Years of holding my head up and facing the world. Prayer and a real hand to hold. Not the fake marriage hand hold. Then...

RELAPSE in an unlucky time and place. It didn't even cross my mind that's what was happening. Rough year. Really rough. In my mind...compared to others it could be called a down time with no direction. 

Prayer wasn't working. My prescribed medications weren't working. So I got some anxiety medicine from a friend at a gas station where some undercover cops were doing a prostitution sting. Oh my! Gun pulled scared to death and had no idea why. I hadn't done this in a VERY long time. I mean nothing comes before my children...until February 12. Then my depression came first. All I cared about was getting those pills to make me forget for a few days. 

Man have I paid for it. As I should. I take full responsibility for my actions. I got tossed in jail, pumped up cops that "have to pull the Mel Gibson on your ass" don't care that your ex boyfriend died a month before, you got laid off a week before, that your car is at a hatchet shop recommended by a "friend" who stole your money and your plates, and your three kids might be a little heavy at the moment. Or that your ex husband is truly no help in any situation that will interfere with his "social" life. They just know a white woman was talking to a black man and that for some reason seemed odd to them. (Sound a bit prejudice?) but hey do the crime pay the the fine, or in my case a short time. 

So now the depression is quadrupled. My kids are scared to be with me. My ex is giving the lecture a normal hypicrit would, and I still don't have my -get me away from all this bs -pills. 

A lose lose lose. 

Know, the only thing that matters in ANY of this is I'm temporarily losing my every other week joint custody to the man who I don't even know where they stay when in his custody. Gratefully I see them whenever I ask. Thank God. BUT, I made a major fuck up. So much for the progress made over the past two years. No kids. Three court dates and fines out the ass. And yes all while unemployed. Being a recovering, no not recovered a trying hard, really wanting it recovering drug addict. I want to put blame everywhere. But when I looked in the mirror, at my kids, at my parents, at my new boyfriend whom I'v grown very fond of I have no one to blame but my self. 

So I realize all my actions have consequences. I hurt relationships of my children and their friends bc of how the parents see me. How horrible is that. Fuck Me! I am a great mom and friend and girlfriend and citizen, why does my brain make these horrible decisions. I pray. I'm in touch with my god. I pray all the time. A constant. All I can think is that my selfrightious attitude gets in the way if I am not working on whose in charge of my will at all times. I can think and pray god is in charge but at times like these obviously I have tossed that aside and made an unconscious decision to do what I want and do not even think about consequences. I mean consequences??? What are those? 

Oh, yeah!! Everything that I am experiencing right now. Hurt kids, friends, parents, pocketbooks, my relationship with god. Anyway...my dad said to me, 40 year old me, "maybe this time you've learned your lesson. I am going to have to give up, your killing me". The blood in my veins is this mans. I'm killing him. I'm killing an incredible life that I have been blessed with, thanks to my parents, and I'm killing them. 

Take a bite of that and swallow it. 

I am vowing to my parents, children, god, friends and to MYSELF this is it. I have three court dates in the next three weeks and I am giving all my worries and fears and perscriptions to god. It's over. It's a new day. I am a new person. And it only took someone that at the same time is old and new to me to open my eyes. To care without judging. To love without condition. To make me want to be better for myself, my kids and my family, For him whether we last as a coulple or as great friends. I've wanted this forever but never had the unconditional closeness I feel I need, I know I want, to keep my eyes open. Sometimes it just takes sincerity. This is my story of the past several months. For all of you asking questions that are concerned or just like watching a woman in a painful place fail. 

It's the last time. And I've never said it or written it out loud. Like I always say make  it happen. Well it's my turn. Unconditional love to all. 

Last quote with text from elephant journal

Love Hate and Keeping it Real on Facebook.

I read an article about envy inducing Facebook. Some of this is from a post written by the author, with many tweets and truths I've added from my life... Many of you have been friends with me long enough to know I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. So I felt this was an appropriate post to express why...I have to keep it real. 

I have some really shitty days and some really good days. I cry, I yell, I laugh.

Sometimes, I get upset and I send impulsive texts filled with nonsense to my boyfriend, that I wish I could erase before they turn green. 

There are days I feel confused, and days everything makes sense.

I have issues with my parents. My Ex. (My fault because they are wonderful) I have issues. Period.

I get lonely, really lonely–I cry and then, I get over it.

I get angry, really angry–I yell or I cry and then, I get over it. 

I look in the mirror in the morning, and I hate my hair. 

Sometimes I want to throw my children out of a window because they drive me crazy when they fight. Which I have to admit in my case they rarely fight. They are good kids. I still have my issues, and they can drive me crazy!

When I'm lonely, completely out of my element OR happy with my boyfriend I will sometimes lay on the couch watching ID crime dramas, eating a tub of salted caramel ice cream. 

I will go to sleep tonight whenever I can, if I can, because that’s how I roll. I don’t have a glamorous social life, but since my divorce I miss going out. Fundraising, the Art Center, hanging with friends. Most is my fault. I isolate. 

Social media sometimes gives off an impression that everyone's life is perfect. 

Well, life is what happens between the snapshots. The real "us".  (From a movie, lol). 

Anyway, I stay on Facebook to see the happiness in your lives. If we all complained all the time, that wouldn't be much fun. I stay for the news. I refuse to compare my life to yours. I don't envy anyone's happiness. And I doubt anyone envies mine. 

Life isn't perfect, but I enjoy seeing the great parts of your life. Your beautiful faces and families. And I enjoy sharing with you. Just keep in mind, Facebook is usually the best of...good news, fun with kids, vacations. The good. There is still the real living we don't see, but it's there for all of us. 

Life is life...and I'll continue Just trying to keep it real.  This is the real morning me... Needing coffee, to actually WAKE UP! And a shower. Love yourself FIRST! Love your babies. And then you will be much easier to love. 

-m

Should Have Left Something To The Imagination

I cuss like a sailor.
I'm anxious as fuck.
I love the night sky.
I think the summer and winter solstices are magical.
I like npr.
I'm a bad driver.
I'm full of love for everything.
I'm brutally honest.
I talk to much.
I love my kids more than anything else in the world.
I'm loyal to a fault. Even when it's time to let go, I'll stay a loyal friend for life.
I've been hurt a lot and I ALWAYS forgive and forget.
I don't understand when people say one isn't capable of love.
I make promises to people I keep.
I make promises to myself I don't.
I like to be with people, but be alone. I guess I like comfortable silence.
Since I was a child, I have been uncomfortable with myself.
I am a master at faking that fact.
I am overly confident in myself.
I AM AN OXYMORON (conundrum) depending on my mood.
Both previous statements are true.
I have found a comfort and peace.
Blame it on circumstance, and I'm fine with it.
I love history. Esp. 1300-1700 England.
If I were to leave the country right now and go anywhere it would be England, then Patagonia.
I could live in Costa Rica for the rest of my life and be satisfied.
I don't like to sleep in my bed alone.
I love to go to the river and watch the stars and listen to the movement of the water.
I talk to god about 100 times a day.
I love key lime pie, dulce de leche ice cream, coffee.
Graphic Design is something I wish I had studied at college. I have books and books and more books about it.
I love photography.
Analog or digital.
Portraits are my favorite.
I'm a gypsy at heart.
I love to a fault.
Needing reassurance is a major personal defect.
I'm a bad cook.
I worry about everything.
I'm fighting depression every minute of the day.
I feel very blessed and lucky to be alive.
I've thought about killing myself many times, but know I'd never go through with it.
I think it gives me perspective, and I'm not that weak. God is my strength.
I'm not a waste of time or space.

For My Friend-Confused

We are all confused. Too many options. The world at our fingertips. Photography? Writing? Painting? Antiquing? Design? Do it all. What you want; what will fulfill you will come to you when it's time. There is a purpose and a reason for everything. Do what you enjoy in this moment. In this moment enjoy what you are doing. You love someone or something so much you hate them. Expectations are Poison But inevitable. You are living and dying at the same time. Do what makes you happy and you aren't wasting your time. Thinking, working, painting, sleeping, reading, day dreaming, loving, running, seeing, playing, acting, living and dying. Today is the day. Do exactly what you want to do. Why is it that we can't. We are trying to live up to the expectations of others. It's a no win situation. We have to make money to exist. To eat, have a roof, sleep. Do it, make your living doing what you want to do. Don't be afraid to fail. Don't be afraid to succeed. Don't be afraid to be afraid. If you aren't scared then you aren't taking chances, which means you aren't doing exactly what you  want to be doing at that moment. Take life as it is. It's just a day to day thing we live through, and it's my choice, your choice if it is good, great or shitty. I choose great. But I can assure you I have plenty of bad ones, too. I choose not to always be in a perfect mood. I am divorced. I have the choice not to get up, out of bed on a Saturday occasionally. Does that mean I am not living up to my full potential? I don't think so. I may not live up to the potential you expect of me , but I am living up to the potential I have chosen for myself that day. Plain and simple. If I love you so much I hate you. That's a big mistake I'm making. If I am not doing what I want to do in life to be a better person. That's a big mistake I'm making. Do your thing and sooner than later you will know what your path should be. Some found it long ago. Some found it yesterday. I think my path is a winding road that has many trails and twists and turns, and right now I am doing what I am meant to be doing. I truly hope you are, too, but I have no expectations. All I can tell you is...make it happen...when it's your time. Smiles to everyone.

monday

i feel as if i have no heart

as if it wouldn’t matter if i did

i was never a child

i never had a childlike thought

i never believed in children’s tales or fairytales

i never had an imagination

no pretend play or dolls

maybe that is why love is like pretend to me

but unfortunately love is a powerful presence now

animation my favorite art form

poetry is my favorite form of literature

photography my love

i am living 

barely

Goodnight...

It’s 12:00 am. I have this dream that mingles with reality and imagination which I like because I haven’t had much imagination lately which fucks with a creative type person. 
But the dream is getting me nowhere, and by now I don’t even remember what it was about anyway. Mind swirls searching, hunting, gathering, but it’s too late. It slipped my grasp. Much like in real life. That elusive “that’s it” moment. It’s ok, happens a lot. If I can be patient it will eventually come to me and if it doesn’t…I’m used to it, the feeling of disappointment. Life goes on and I’ll find inspiration somewhere else. I at least found my peace again. My mind has stopped swirling aided by the dreaded cigarette. I am going back to sleep. I probably won’t even remember this when I wake up amidst the craziness of getting three kids ready for school and myself ready for work. Goodnight, maybe.