VERNOREXIA- a romantic mood inspired by spring

If it were any more beautiful outside I'd be wishing for the second coming just to be closer to the beauty of the heavens today! Don't stay in all day. Enjoy it. Spring is my favorite time of year. The new buds and tiny leaves. The wet soil in your hands as you clean up your flower or vegetable gardens. Watching the kids skate, play soccer, just run around enjoying the fresh air not thinking of the newness in everything. It's a time when I'm satisfied with what I either have or have not. I'm sorry for the loss of someone close to my friends, but what a beautiful time to be delivered to the heavens. Sometimes happiness and sadness coincide with each other. It's bittersweet. But today I will relish in having my children and this glorious day. Our attitude is a choice and today is a perfect example of how easy it is to be positive, happy and understanding. Welcome spring. I've been waiting for the peace and vernorexia you bring.

Had enough

Take a walk in my shoes. Size 8. Ill tell you something, life is hard. You try to have a good time znd your friend loses his phone. You try to stay clean and sober... Noone believes you. You finally get rid if a shitty ex... Wait, have to start over...
Let me tell you a little bit about life. It's fucking hard. You work all day. Then go to have some fun. Well you lose your phone. So not only do u lose money that u played w at the track which was planned and okay, but then your friend loses his phone. 500$ unplanned. And the worst part is that its the info on the phone that's valuable not the price of the phone. Then to top it off, its your time of the month and simce you've been fucked figuratively you want to get fucked literally. My mom is probably dying right now. This is life.
Then you have an ex husband who wants to control you. I'm off all Rx drugs. Always recovering. One day at a time but damn its hard. Today was fun and sucked. I hate we lost the phone. I hate I Didn't have my camera. I hate we lost money. Life is hard. I have a new blog bluememoon.tumblr.com . Was keeping private but took me a min to figure out the new private one. I have a dark side. I have a light side. There are many me's. This may or may not make since to you but I'm venting. I've a lot of people telling me what to do. I prefer they just do it, what it is they are instructing me to do. Sounds lazy but that's not how I mean it. I want to live my own life. I want everyone happy. Nothing shitty about that. Like I say... Make it happen. Well why the fuck won't you let me....

Is an Apology Good Enough?

Wow... So I have been in the middle of a break up with someone I really thought I cared about. It saddens me when people can't have the decency to treat each other w respect during horrible times like this.
There is a country song by The Zack Brown Band that talks about being able to tell it was over in her kiss. Well, I knew it was over about a month ago. I was doing things to try to make it work that I would never ordinarily do. I
thought I loved him. But I was told by him, in the heat of argument, my art sucks, my blog is nothing but whining and crying, and I have no career. All this was in the middle of being called a lying, slut whore, an Ignorant, stupid, clingy, needy bitch, and that I think my shit "don't stink".
Now I feel like a person has a right to say what ever they want on their own blog. Sometimes it's a good positive message, sometimes maybe sad, informative and occasionally a little bit whiny. You see it's my blog and I write what I feel and what I think you might be interested in. I just want everyone to know that no one should belittle themselves by taking any kind of abuse; physical, verbal, mental, emotional anything that makes them feel like they are less than perfect. We are all good by nature. The person delivering the abuse is the one with the problem and they cannot be helped until they realize they have a problem.
Arguments occur, they are inevitable, BUT there is a way to be civil. There are hotlines for physical abuse. I am going to do a lot of research on the other forms of abuse that men and women experience everyday. I will not be a victim.
This is not the blog post I wanted to share for my first post of the new year. I have so much positive energy to share, but I felt you should know this happens to many people without us even knowing about it. I love you all and hope you will be aware of how you are being treated and how you treat others. I wish you all peace and happiness in this glorious new year. I have so many things to be grateful for, and my next blog will be uplifting and positive. And like I always say make it happen, because no one is gonna do it for you

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past." - Into The Wild.

A Rose by any Other Name Still Smells as Sweet...

When i was a child, i absolutely hated my name.  Memory was not your everyday run of the mill jenny or susie. I was jealous of all my friends getting this or that with their names on them. Notepads, pens, stickers, t-shirts and anything else you can possibly imagine growing up in the '70s and '80s.
Then as i grew older, boys started calling me different versions like memorex, memo, one of my favorites "memo the limo". Now what The hell does that mean? More greats...mercury, misery and people  who just couldnt remember.  They would say, "i know its something really weird or strange and start spouting out Melody or Melonie or Mandy. I would try to tell them, but it ine inevitably turned inro a game for them.
On and on this went until I  realized what A blessing i had been given. The name Memory.  I am no run of the mill person. I have my quirks and i love it. I like so many different things. Art, history, creating just about anything makes me fulfilled. I can find beauty in the most mundane objects. Photography my favorite hobby along with creating collages out of things many people would look at and think "ugly". I don't See ugly very often unless its someone's behavior.  Or maybe politics or litter on our beautiful land.
Names are very special, all of them. They are often the first impression. I couldn't See my children with any other names. Or my friends and family. I am so proud of my name and yours and being a mom, i know how hard it is to choose.  Wow, talk about pressure.  Its funny.
Hope everyone carries their name with joy and dignity. I know I do. James and Aidan are fairly common, but I hope Magnolia Jane  appreciates being named after herr great great grandmother and her great Grandmothers.
Eveyone give someone A hug today and spread a bit of happiness around. In these times we need it.
As i always say...make it happen, noone else will for you.
Enjoy the rolling stones song Memory Motel. I just heard it for the first time today. And i thought I'd heard all the "memories" songs!!

Just an aside...my beautiful sister, five years younger than me is named Stephany after the dancer in the movie "Saturday Night Fever". Oh, did i love that movie!  I was a boogie machine! 
Life is good.

Watch "The Rolling Stones - Memory Motel (Live with Dave Mathews)" on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cowl02DXx3A&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Making It Happen

I have started a major project. My boss whom I like to call my partner in this is putting faith in someone and something that has cost him a lot. I know this is what I've been dreaming of for years and because I was able to share this dream with a friend, I have found it coming true. The delima is he is, and my wonderful family, Jamie and my dear friend Nathan are the only ones that have faith that I can pull it off. This means that there is almost no chance of the project failing. I will not let my boss down. I will not let his family down, and it's so close to my heart it's my own. I will prove that I can succeed as a business woman and enjoy my arts and talents all at the same time. More information on the project is soon to come. Hopefully within the next week. The moral to this little post is that there are many people who would rather see you fail than succeed. And many people who listen to gossip before knowing the real you. Now most of you know I have had personal challenges in the past, but there is a huge difference in doing what others want you to do, and doing something that means everything to you. This will effect many people in my life. And money being spent on a faith in me that only few have. Take chances. Make them yours to take, and share in the joy and happiness of dreams coming true. I am going to share a post by a friend, maybe two. But to all the naysayers out there- you mean absolutely nothing to me. Like I always end my posts...make it happen! Well this time, WATCH ME!

Isn't it supposed to be easy?

I commented on soulmates in my last post, that is an easy one. But love that's the most difficult part of my life.
1. It takes so much work. Hopefully rewarding.
2. I feel like there is so much guessing about what the other person wants. Which I find tiresome. I'm very cynical and leave no guess work in my desires, my wants and needs in a relationship.
3. Since I leave no room for guessing, it takes away a lot of the romance. But I just can't play the game.
4. I have noticed that men just want to, pardon the expression, get their cock stroked. Now, I am a master at this saying what you want to hear. No fun.
5. What's wrong with telling each other our expectations up front. Right from the start. I am close to forty. I think I've paid my dues and its time to make this easy. No games.
6. Is ten to fifteen years to big of an age difference, either way. I know a lot of people my age that date older men for security, or younger men because we are in our sexual prime.
7. Love is a beautiful experience. I hope to find someone who can handle all my quirks. And I have many.

So is it worth all the guess work? The spoils of victory in finding love are definitely worth it to me. I just don't know if I'll ever find it. I'm hard to handle. But when I give you my love I give it totally. You get my whole heart and nothing less.
I hope we all find the love of our lives, but love can come in so many forms we need to take what we find and cultivate it. Make it work. It's too easy to walk away these days. Divorce is out Of control. It's to hard to do the work so everyone walks away. And I do know there are many exceptions but I say don't put yourself in a position to cheat. That's the reason divorce was rare when the world wasn't a global village. We know what's right and wrong, make the right choice. Anyway that's my love spiel. Take it or leave it. Lets just quit hurting each other. Show our children that love is sacred and worth working to keep. It isn't easy, like life, you gotta climb the ladder before you get to go down the slide. It's a tough life. Like I say...make it happen.

I'm filling this post with poems. I hope they inspire a little peace for you and your love. Smiles.

My back pages

Very rarely do I allow myself to reach the back pages of my mind. That's where I store all the things from the past and present I really don't care to reread. But sometimes...
I have too. I need too. They remind me of the things that can't be repeated. I have an uncanny knack of what I like to call putting certain things in pockets of my mind. I have become an expert. Everything has a time and place. Like I said in my last post, I have some great things going on in my life right now. Dreams do come true. Hard work and a prayer. Keep doing the next right thing. That's the hardest part for me. Isn't that supposed to be the easy part? My self will runs riot even when I'm sober. That's where the pockets fit in. One problem at a time. All the rest go in their specific little home in my mind. That's how I do it and it works. When I feel overwhelmed I talk to my best friend. Which I have had to put n a pocket tonight. At least while I put kids to bed. Then I'll take it out and cry maybe laugh and then file it in my back pages.
Because...I have so many other things going right I don't have to dwell on the sadness of a lost soulmate. Fortunately I believe we have many soulmates. Not many true loves but thats for another time.
Like I say "make it happen, no one can do it for you".