Hardware...Hardwired

So…today I am officially a working woman at ace Cantrel Hardware….wow ! I am so excited and proud and happy and on the list goes. I have been granted the opportunity to work 35 hours a week at a hardware store. What a chance to learn and expand my mind. I know some of you must be thinking-whatever- but there are hundreds of different kinds of nails, rope, piping, wrenches, wires.  I can’t stand it! The artist in me has my mind racing. What to do first…learn the basics. Then do the job to the best of my ability and then create. I am at peace and thank
 God for the chance to work
 Where I want and get a paycheck every two weeks. It’s been a year and a few months since I’ve had a full time job. And maybe get to squeeze in a few days in hot springs as well. So this is my day. This is a new beginning…just like I said in my last post. Make it happen.  I did. I'm hardwired that way.  With support and prayers. Thanks to the believers. Thanks to my followers. Thank goodness it’s spring. A perfect season for a new beginning. The wolves and owls are leading my path and I’m a faithful follower! Good wishes to everyone trying to keep it real and make it happen. Never give up. Never stop taking that first step or you will never move. Every first step leads to a destination. Love. ❌

This Is Me

I want to plant my garden- today

I want to paint right now

I want to write a book

Hug my children and play mashed potatoes 

Take portraits of every person I see

I want to know them in a unique and interesting way

I want to howl at the moon

I want to see every star in the sky and name them as i seen them 

I want to dance- learn to tango and cha cha

Do pirouettes until I'm so dizzy I fall down laughing 

I don't need to feel understood 

I just want to feel and be felt

I want a four leaf clover to give to the fairy that flutters above my shoulder whispering in my ear that I'm perfect just the way I am

I want to let it all go 

I want to live and let live

I want to love and be loved

No judgement necessary 

I am me

I love me  I love you

I want you to be happy

Freedom to express feelings and joys and doubts

I want to color my hair blue 

I want to talk to the knomes 

The trolls

The birds and bees

I am me and I love me

I love you

I want to ride unicorns

Ride a Pegasus 

Talk to God

Today I want to make it happen

And I might just do it 

This is me

This is who I am. This tree. This amazing tree is 1,990 years old. I am the flowers, limbs, roots. And so are you. 

Pointless Regrets

Why regret what you have done…needed…wanted? 
There is no point, we will always do things, experience times of ecstasy, and want things we know is not what’s best for us. I regret nothing. Riding my rollercoaster, I've learned from my mistakes and look forward to the many more that I will inevitably make. Each day is a learning experience, and I welcome it. I yearn for knowledge. My friend tells me my crystal ball is broken...so I have tossed it. No more guessing and assuming the worst. (If you know me very well...you know this is close to impossible. But I'm trying. I'm writing it out loud.) I live and love and have the best of what I want. No more. No less. I have ups and downs. I welcome truths and forgo lies. Not tolerated on this journey.  I live to love. You, me, life, and the after. Enjoy every minute of every single experience. And do not live in regret. It’s pointless. Enjoying yourself as the person you are is the most important thing. Release yourself from bonds of regret. Just ride. Love yourself…love life. Live. Love, be happy and for the love of the universe find your inner peace. It's right here. The stars, sun, moon- we are the earth. We must keep it a peaceful place for all that is and will be. 

The point of life. The point of
 Love. Me.

Yes. Something's are too petty to worry with. But never ignore your gut feelings. We are the light. We are the earth. We are perfect...ups and downs and all arounds. Smiles. ✖️

"What is done cannot be undone"

  

I have made more mistakes than I can count or remember. The hard part of this is that those I've hurt...remember all too well. 

I have been hurt more times than I care to discuss and the fact is 

"What is done cannot be undone"~Lady Macbeth

I've hurt people in large and small ways. And most of the time I've been forgiven.

 I was hurt once by someone I care deeply for. Why can't I forgive this person? Let it go? Before it even happened I begged her/him not to do it. I warned it would ruin our friendship. I asked nicely. I demanded. I cried. And they chose to take the path of no return. I suppose a better person would move on. Forgive and forget anyway. I was told I could choose my forgiveness and that under no uncertain terms were they going to not do what I asked, and they selfishly did it anyway. And I've selfishly stuck to my guns. I cannot forgive them. I've tried for a long time now. It's just something I will never get over. It's ruined a very special friendship. (We are still friends, but it's always in the back of my mind. Sometimes spewing out of my mouth like a piece of bad sushi.) I'm mocked and harassed by the fact that I won't let it go, yet here I am ...refusing. 

I have an inner peace about this. I wasn't important enough to stop the action and in the process lost a part of me. But I didn't lose my integrity. If I know you are doing something wrong. I'm not going to back down. If I know you are a better person than the actions your about to take I will not condone it or validate it with forgiveness. Especially when you show no remorse. I hold myself to a higher standard. And I hold you to a higher standard. I miss this person and have since that unfortunate day, though I see them frequently. 

Something everyone should think about. Keep a Peaceful heart. I'm not preaching. It's something I am working on. 

"Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Some times they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. 

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the extreme example of self-will run riot, though we usually don't think so. Above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it

kills us! Inner peace and awareness based on others feelings rather than our own makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without Spiritual guidance."

from the book Al-Anon, page 62

We are both selfish. We both cared about our own needs first. I will try not to do this again, but I cannot change my mind. 

I am not perfect. Today I will

Take actions that make others happy and that in turn will bring me happiness. 

This is for all of you. This is me baring my soul. I cannot pretend that my life and choices are perfect. It's okay to be angry. And one day I'll forgive and put it all behind me. It's been six months now. I will continue to pray for strength to forgive. But I will Repeat Lady Macbeth's quote, "What is done cannot be undone". So be it. 

I Hope You all Have a good day and forgiving heart. 

And wish the same for myself. 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."~Joseph Campbell 

Let your light shine!

Forty-one and Fabulous

So...I'm forty-one and fabulous. Things are going well. I really have had some

Inner struggles the past few months, and taken them out on my closest friends. I have prayed and meditated. Walked and talked (mostly to myself). But I have decided To let go of many of my worries and just take care of myself and my kids. Not worrying about boyfriends or or anything distracting. Looking at school and different arts. Finding books and options for bettering my life. Making positive moves for the next chapter. 

The only reason I am writing about this in my blog...which I'll be trying to keep updated more frequently, is that I received a text from my exhusbands girlfriend, without his knowledge, calling me an old hag that needs to wear caked up makeup to cover my old hag face...and. Yes, my first reaction was to retaliate, but then thought better of it, and started realizing how hard it must be to date a man that's been married and has three children. There would be some lashing out and a touch of jealousy. So I started reevaluating my life from the inside out. I am happy and at peace. Let go of the marriage long ago and love my three children more Than anything. I walk A LOT and feel like I'm in pretty good shape and every wrinkle has a story. Some of the happiest I could ever imagine. So all you ex wives having to deal with ex's younger girlfriends...let it go. It's not our problem anymore. 

I love being forty-one. I feel an inner peace. I don't have to prove anything to anyone and I feel an outward peace wrinkles and all. No makeup required...peace love and happiness. Make the best of the rest and live like you are the star of your own musical. Life is good. This is me... Wrinkles and all!

Queen Bee

Today is my day! I live to love and love to live. My gift to you is the knowledge that you can live and love without compromising yourself. I deserve the best. I am it. Or I am out. And if I’m out…good for me. It’s time in my life to find the man that will love me, and be my companion in old age …to experience hikes and bikes. Kids and laughter. Not bars and boys and girls that have no idea what they are doing. That was in my twenties. I’m in my forties, working the the work that makes me happy and looking forward to long walks, jogs, the river, and traveling and reading to each other the best books we can find. Putting each other’s needs and desires before our own. I am this person and will be with the person that reciprocates. Good luck to you forty-fifty-sixty somethings that are looking for that partner, companion. Truly intimate lover that has matured enough to know what life is and what it is about. Love, honesty, understanding and each other. If you can’t check all the boxes…then pack your boxes. Cause this wanderer wants a partner to cherish each and every moment. Pictures covering walls. Postcards, panties hanging from chandeliers…laughter filling the air and never a worry in my mind that I haven’t made the right choice. A security that I have never felt to fit right along with this inner peace and happiness. 
It’s a beautiful life. And I intend to enjoy every minute of it. 
Happy spring my friends! What beauty in the tiny buds on the trees. Dogwoods about to bloom. Apple blossoms jasmine. Rosemary and lavender. Sage and thyme. And speaking of happiness love and companionship … Truth, happiness and true commitment…the birds and bees are out making nests and sweet love. Oh to see the tiny nest of an English sparrow that can hold at least six tiny eggs. The bee gathering the the nectar for his queen. What we all should be doing and getting great reward in return. Love is in the air. The maypole dance will be coming up. Oh, my white dress and colorful ribbon. My love let me give you my ribbon as a gift before returning home where we belong.
If your worried about your partner ask questions. Not much

time left to be happy. For me. It’s starting today. Love those babies. Big and small. And Never compromise your integrity. Love comes in many forms. But only you know the true love you are craving. Never settle. There will always be be someone that will love you and treat you like a queen bee. Happy days. I love you all.

Magnolia made a chalk drawing of flowers soon to bloom. 

First day with a tank top. Hello sunshine!

Today

"She wasn't doing anything I could see except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing holding the universe together." ~J, D. Salinger


The traditional meaning of the owl spiritual animal is the announcer of death, symbolic of transition or change in ones life.

What a fascinating thought. The death of your old life and the beginning of a new one. Letting go of old grudges and resentments. Filling Oneself with a peace. Mindfulness of your inner core. Knowing that you are the earth. The green luscious  grass, the tall swaying wheat, the tree with its roots and limbs, like arms reaching towards the sun. Have you ever noticed all these natural gifts are reaching for the sun.

I am reaching for the sun as natural as anything Mother Nature has given this planet.
I have an innate sense of being. Feeling things others feel. Hurting when others hurt. Happy for the joys that are all around us. When I have been hiking this past year I have noticed that life is everywhere. Not just in my backyard. In my bed. In my mind.

I am wild, a wanderer that needs to be free and share my feelings and have them heard. I will listen to yours, in the wind and rainfall and the music that lights my fire.
I will not let go or surrender the feeling I have that we all know we can do and be better people. I hold onto words like precious jewels a friend once told me. I accept accountability and feel that if I do not hold others to certain standards I feel they know are wrong that I am not living to my potential. And I want you to hold me to certain ideals as well.  That does not mean I love you any less. It means I love you unconditionally and want the best for you.

Wild, on fire, mindful, aware, strong, scared, peace fills my heart. I mean, it has to. I have so much to let go and give away. I also have so much to give in the way of peace and strength.
Take your days one day at a time. It's hard. Don't forget the past, but learn from it. Think of the future, but don't worry about it. Everything you and I need is right here. Just like the Owls and Wolves. We survive because it's our only option. And what sweet surrender to understand this. Be the Earth. Look to the sun. Look to your God. And share your goodness with others. That's the best thing we can do as creatures of this Earth. And also of this amazing time. Enjoy your new year and make it count for something. Most of all love. Love yourself. Love your life, time and friends. Apologize even if you don't think your wrong...Just to maintain peace. Keep it simple and avoid the drama some try to throw at you. Live, love and dream of a better world. And relish in your wild heart. Keep it whole. Like a puzzle the pieces will come together. Keep it real. And never be afraid of your feelings and making them known. We are not mind readers. Intuition is different than mind reading. Trust your gut feelings. And make every minute count my friends, that's what will make you happy and aware. Look at the wild flower on the side of the road...that's me. That flower is you. The clouds, stars, rivers they are you and me. I will enjoy them. Be them. Love myself and love you. Wild and free. Like the wind. Peaceful as a calm breeze. Love love love.

The beauty in today

I have ups and downs. I have good days and bad days. The moments between the pics I post aren't always unicorns and rainbows. 

We see so many posts of happy people sharing their good times and accomplishments. But we are all human and face it...life sucks sometimes. It's part of life. We learn from it. It makes us stronger. So, as much as I like to hear about all the happiness in everyone's life...I know that it's only a small percentage of the real life we all experience. And that's okay. 

I am learning to live for today. The everyday is good. The now is what we should focus on. Remember the past. Look forward to the future and live in the now. What a beautiful way to live. Each minute we have a choice to be happy or mad, angry, sad, joyful, playful. To love. That's what's important. Love yourself. Every minute. Life goes on even when we don't get our way. If our plans go awry...make new ones. Celebrate the idea of spontaneity. And cherish every moment. Don't hurt others. Sometimes this is easy, a friend asks you to do or not to do something specific that will hurt them. You have the choice to decide what's import. I have dealt with this recently...maybe that's why I am posting this.  Love yourself and hurting others won't be an option. That doesn't mean do what you want...it means love yourself enough to know how your actions are going to affect others. Then when you are doing this you'll not ever feel regret for a selfish act. Or have to deal with someone that you care about that is hurting because of the the selfish act. You'll feel a contentment in your heart...a peace you created for and with those you love and those that love you. 

I chose to be happy today. Tomorrow I hope I choose to do the same, but for now...I hope my actions and love bring peace to you my friends. Peace in the moonlight. 

The Battle of Survival is too Much For Me

The battle of survival is too much for me. 

I choose to cease existing. I’m not fighting the fight anymore. 

I'll do my best to make life work for me, but I will not fight for it. I give up. Let the chips fall, and pray God takes me by the hand and leads me in the direction I’m supposed to go. 

This is me giving it away. Giving it to a higher power and doing what I’m told. Caring is beyond anything I could possibly do anymore. 

The hurt is waves crashing against me pulling me beneath the water and I don’t have the ability to swim. I’m tired.

Heartbreak at the River

I have feelings that I cannot control 

I have love that is lost to me

I hurt one hundred percent of the time

I ache where there is nowhere to ache

I Love when I know I won't be loved back 

I Believe when I know it's a lie

I know things when they happen without being told

My heart aches

I wish it would not fold like when a supernova turns into a black hole

I trust the untrustable

Love the unloveable 

Dream the undreamable

Wish the unthinkable

I see falling stars and the dark-side of the moon rainbows and fairies and stardust

But in my soul I have a deep dark lust to be normal like everyone else

Not to feel so deep into my subconscious self

I am so hurt 

My heat has been broken...shattered glass

A thousand small seeds that will hopefully grow into wild flowers instead of unbearable weeds

Friendship is hot and cold 

I have third degree burns

And I'm frozen in a death hold

I am shaking from anger and I feel I could be in danger from this magnificent ache and will live forever with this enormous heartbreak 

I walk outside and feel the heat which feels cool compared to the heat radiating from inside

My heart Is a millennium away 

My mind just as far- the sadness comes from- well, you know who you are 

I cannot go further though I must 

The river that I loved so much - I want to put rocks where they don't belong

Oh how I want that soul to hold on and not let this be my one last song

I am not depressed I just have feelings that I cannot suppress

It's a scary and sad feeling to know I'll not know how long I'll be reeling. 

Take me to the river take me the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river take me to the river

Please just take me to the river one last time so I can put an end to this miserable rhyme. 

Sadness Isn't Contagious

I have been sad for the past few weeks. I would call it depression, but sad is more curious. Easier to explain. I have been so sad that I thought It may be contagious. My friend sat on the couch and watched me sleep night after night. He didn’t catch it. Another friend spent days with me and I laughed and cried and worried, but he didn’t catch it. I realize now it isn’t contagious. It’s only me. My feelings and you who were with me saved me. And cared and didn’t try to make me feel better. You just let me be. So, sadness is real. It’s a freedom we have to feel a certain way at a certain time. I love to have the ability to feel…sad. It’s okay. I will recover. And no one has to make me snap out of it. Just letting me be. Just being there with me. Freedom is ours. Feelings are ours for the taking. We can’t always choose to be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. Today I am happy. Tomorrow who knows. What I do know is that it’s all good. Happy, sad, excited or mad. Just be you at that time and place. The world will still revolve and our moods will resolve.

Should've left something to the Imagination II...

I'm forty. 

I've had more mistakes than positive moments in my adult life. 

I'm a divorcè with three children. 11, 9 and 3 1/2. 

There isn't one thing I love more in this world than those three souls. 

I'm in love with a man that will never love me back. 

This man consumes my days, we spend all day together on the days that I do not work

We have more in common than any other person in my life

I'm in love with a neurotic ass that is pretty decent most of the time. As long as I act right. He loves me and we've been together for close to a year. 

I am lucky 

I am blessed

I am grateful for all the blessings I've been granted

I am a true believer

I am strong in my faith

I like a slightly older man that treats me like a queen and I think of him often, though not as much as the man that will never love me. 

I'm neurotic, but in a loving obsessive completely unconditional sort of way. 

I am jealous of time. 

I am not jealous of other women or their looks but the time given them when I want it. 

I am filled with empathy. 

I'm a realist. 

I do not understand myself. 

I am borderline bipolar. 

I am mostly manic and anxious. 

When I am depressed though it lasts for weeks. Months sometimes. I cry and lose my sense of reality and the swirling in my brain is dizzying. 

I have an above average IQ. I have no idea how I want to use it. 

I have been arrested more times than I can remember. 

I am a felon. 

I could never hurt someone physically unless they were going to hurt my children or in self defense. 

I can kill someone with my sharp biting words when I'm angry. 

I will forget about it the next day, though most of the people I've abused this way cannot. 

I want to be taken care of emotionally and mentally and physically. 

I want to be taken care of financially. 

I want to love someone that returns the love unconditionally.  

I see a therapist. 

I love sex. 

I love love. 

I need love. 

This is just another list of me...

This is just some of me. 

Friends and Lovers (Trying To Keep It Real)

So, a few months ago I got a message on Facebook asking if I needed help in a certain situation. I said yes, and agreed to meet him for coffee and discuss the issue. From that day on he was someone that I talked to. About everything. Friends. Hiking, swimming, fishing, hundreds of pictures of each other and together. Eventually as we learned each other we became inseparable. I told this person things I told no one else. I was completely myself. For the first time in years I had someone that I felt I was connected to heart and soul.   We are both in relationships. Not pushing the boudries of friendship. Then we started pushing those boundries. "You make me happy." "I wish I was there" "I wish you were here". But the core was a true connection of common interests and ideas. 

I thought. 

Last week he said you are so beautiful. He's told me many times. I have told him the same thing. But the next day no text. No phone call. Nothing. I have realized there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I can't make anyone want to be my friend, confidant, love. When that person is ready to walk away, he or she is ready. My only regret in our short infinity of perfect togetherness is I got no closure.
I sent messages. Crazy, neurotic messages. I was in a low, very extreme manic low. I wasn't mean, I sent pictures, quotes, songs. I was nuts. I couldn't believe my happiness had been stripped from me in a single 12 hours. One extreme to another. In the meantime, my boyfriend and I were going through issues. He's been very supportive. I've removed myself from the situation and letting my soul walk away. Ill be fine. But in learning to let go I have been so crazed. I hope one day he will come back and give me the closure I so desperately need. But in the meantime I'm going to build a stronger base with my boyfriend. We agreed to drop all walls that were stopping us from fully understandimg each other. I love him. I love my soul that walked away without looking back. How do you ever find that easy true connection again? 

I read this the other day...I had no boundries with my soul. 

I would still welcome him back in my life with no questions, if he chose to do so. I do not see that happening. So I'm going with this little tidbit of advice I read...

It is important to have boundaries and to not reveal more or do more than you are completely comfortable with. With that in mind, opening up and getting to know someone does take a certain amount of patience. Assess each new partner as an individual, and stay keenly connected with how you experience yourself while in his or her presence. You need someone with whom you can reveal your authentic self, not just a piece of you—and you are the only one who can bring that full you to the table.

Another piece I read...

CAN YOU FEEL THE LIGHT IN THIS VERY MOMENT?

Life.

It amazes me. Every day. With it’s highs and lows, ups and downs… It’s amazing.

Can you feel it? Or is your mind somewhere else?

As you read this, wherever you are; take a moment to stop. Close your eyes.

Breathe.

Feel the beating of your heart. The sounds of your surroundings. The earth beneath your feet.

Connect to this very moment.

Open your eyes. Know that wherever you are, whatever your life situation, there is one fundamental fact that will never escape you: you are here. Right now. Connecting to the present moment is the simplest way to recognize the beauty of being.

In our busy lives, it’s also the easiest to forget. So remember. And give a silent thank you to everything that is. You are alive! That alone is a miracle.

Find your glimpses of enlightenment, and cherish them.

Whatever you are holding on to… If it’s holding you back—let it go. If it’s no longer serving you—let it go.

If it doesn’t make you happy—let. it. go.

Life is meant to be lived light, with light, from light, through light. Don’t let your past weigh you down.

There is no limit to what you can manifest in your life when you let go of fear.

Don’t let fear guide you. See only love. Move where love wants you to move.

Let love lead the way.

Write It Out Loud

To start I have a gratitude list that is so long it would be another post. 

But I'll tell you this to keep it all real. 

"We have met the enemy and he is us"

"The first casualty of war is the truth"-uk

So I've done it again. Years of holding my head up and facing the world. Prayer and a real hand to hold. Not the fake marriage hand hold. Then...

RELAPSE in an unlucky time and place. It didn't even cross my mind that's what was happening. Rough year. Really rough. In my mind...compared to others it could be called a down time with no direction. 

Prayer wasn't working. My prescribed medications weren't working. So I got some anxiety medicine from a friend at a gas station where some undercover cops were doing a prostitution sting. Oh my! Gun pulled scared to death and had no idea why. I hadn't done this in a VERY long time. I mean nothing comes before my children...until February 12. Then my depression came first. All I cared about was getting those pills to make me forget for a few days. 

Man have I paid for it. As I should. I take full responsibility for my actions. I got tossed in jail, pumped up cops that "have to pull the Mel Gibson on your ass" don't care that your ex boyfriend died a month before, you got laid off a week before, that your car is at a hatchet shop recommended by a "friend" who stole your money and your plates, and your three kids might be a little heavy at the moment. Or that your ex husband is truly no help in any situation that will interfere with his "social" life. They just know a white woman was talking to a black man and that for some reason seemed odd to them. (Sound a bit prejudice?) but hey do the crime pay the the fine, or in my case a short time. 

So now the depression is quadrupled. My kids are scared to be with me. My ex is giving the lecture a normal hypicrit would, and I still don't have my -get me away from all this bs -pills. 

A lose lose lose. 

Know, the only thing that matters in ANY of this is I'm temporarily losing my every other week joint custody to the man who I don't even know where they stay when in his custody. Gratefully I see them whenever I ask. Thank God. BUT, I made a major fuck up. So much for the progress made over the past two years. No kids. Three court dates and fines out the ass. And yes all while unemployed. Being a recovering, no not recovered a trying hard, really wanting it recovering drug addict. I want to put blame everywhere. But when I looked in the mirror, at my kids, at my parents, at my new boyfriend whom I'v grown very fond of I have no one to blame but my self. 

So I realize all my actions have consequences. I hurt relationships of my children and their friends bc of how the parents see me. How horrible is that. Fuck Me! I am a great mom and friend and girlfriend and citizen, why does my brain make these horrible decisions. I pray. I'm in touch with my god. I pray all the time. A constant. All I can think is that my selfrightious attitude gets in the way if I am not working on whose in charge of my will at all times. I can think and pray god is in charge but at times like these obviously I have tossed that aside and made an unconscious decision to do what I want and do not even think about consequences. I mean consequences??? What are those? 

Oh, yeah!! Everything that I am experiencing right now. Hurt kids, friends, parents, pocketbooks, my relationship with god. Anyway...my dad said to me, 40 year old me, "maybe this time you've learned your lesson. I am going to have to give up, your killing me". The blood in my veins is this mans. I'm killing him. I'm killing an incredible life that I have been blessed with, thanks to my parents, and I'm killing them. 

Take a bite of that and swallow it. 

I am vowing to my parents, children, god, friends and to MYSELF this is it. I have three court dates in the next three weeks and I am giving all my worries and fears and perscriptions to god. It's over. It's a new day. I am a new person. And it only took someone that at the same time is old and new to me to open my eyes. To care without judging. To love without condition. To make me want to be better for myself, my kids and my family, For him whether we last as a coulple or as great friends. I've wanted this forever but never had the unconditional closeness I feel I need, I know I want, to keep my eyes open. Sometimes it just takes sincerity. This is my story of the past several months. For all of you asking questions that are concerned or just like watching a woman in a painful place fail. 

It's the last time. And I've never said it or written it out loud. Like I always say make  it happen. Well it's my turn. Unconditional love to all. 

Last quote with text from elephant journal

Love Hate and Keeping it Real on Facebook.

I read an article about envy inducing Facebook. Some of this is from a post written by the author, with many tweets and truths I've added from my life... Many of you have been friends with me long enough to know I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. So I felt this was an appropriate post to express why...I have to keep it real. 

I have some really shitty days and some really good days. I cry, I yell, I laugh.

Sometimes, I get upset and I send impulsive texts filled with nonsense to my boyfriend, that I wish I could erase before they turn green. 

There are days I feel confused, and days everything makes sense.

I have issues with my parents. My Ex. (My fault because they are wonderful) I have issues. Period.

I get lonely, really lonely–I cry and then, I get over it.

I get angry, really angry–I yell or I cry and then, I get over it. 

I look in the mirror in the morning, and I hate my hair. 

Sometimes I want to throw my children out of a window because they drive me crazy when they fight. Which I have to admit in my case they rarely fight. They are good kids. I still have my issues, and they can drive me crazy!

When I'm lonely, completely out of my element OR happy with my boyfriend I will sometimes lay on the couch watching ID crime dramas, eating a tub of salted caramel ice cream. 

I will go to sleep tonight whenever I can, if I can, because that’s how I roll. I don’t have a glamorous social life, but since my divorce I miss going out. Fundraising, the Art Center, hanging with friends. Most is my fault. I isolate. 

Social media sometimes gives off an impression that everyone's life is perfect. 

Well, life is what happens between the snapshots. The real "us".  (From a movie, lol). 

Anyway, I stay on Facebook to see the happiness in your lives. If we all complained all the time, that wouldn't be much fun. I stay for the news. I refuse to compare my life to yours. I don't envy anyone's happiness. And I doubt anyone envies mine. 

Life isn't perfect, but I enjoy seeing the great parts of your life. Your beautiful faces and families. And I enjoy sharing with you. Just keep in mind, Facebook is usually the best of...good news, fun with kids, vacations. The good. There is still the real living we don't see, but it's there for all of us. 

Life is life...and I'll continue Just trying to keep it real.  This is the real morning me... Needing coffee, to actually WAKE UP! And a shower. Love yourself FIRST! Love your babies. And then you will be much easier to love. 

-m

Should Have Left Something To The Imagination

I cuss like a sailor.
I'm anxious as fuck.
I love the night sky.
I think the summer and winter solstices are magical.
I like npr.
I'm a bad driver.
I'm full of love for everything.
I'm brutally honest.
I talk to much.
I love my kids more than anything else in the world.
I'm loyal to a fault. Even when it's time to let go, I'll stay a loyal friend for life.
I've been hurt a lot and I ALWAYS forgive and forget.
I don't understand when people say one isn't capable of love.
I make promises to people I keep.
I make promises to myself I don't.
I like to be with people, but be alone. I guess I like comfortable silence.
Since I was a child, I have been uncomfortable with myself.
I am a master at faking that fact.
I am overly confident in myself.
I AM AN OXYMORON (conundrum) depending on my mood.
Both previous statements are true.
I have found a comfort and peace.
Blame it on circumstance, and I'm fine with it.
I love history. Esp. 1300-1700 England.
If I were to leave the country right now and go anywhere it would be England, then Patagonia.
I could live in Costa Rica for the rest of my life and be satisfied.
I don't like to sleep in my bed alone.
I love to go to the river and watch the stars and listen to the movement of the water.
I talk to god about 100 times a day.
I love key lime pie, dulce de leche ice cream, coffee.
Graphic Design is something I wish I had studied at college. I have books and books and more books about it.
I love photography.
Analog or digital.
Portraits are my favorite.
I'm a gypsy at heart.
I love to a fault.
Needing reassurance is a major personal defect.
I'm a bad cook.
I worry about everything.
I'm fighting depression every minute of the day.
I feel very blessed and lucky to be alive.
I've thought about killing myself many times, but know I'd never go through with it.
I think it gives me perspective, and I'm not that weak. God is my strength.
I'm not a waste of time or space.